Things Went Wrong
by Mynsii
Summary: I promised you we'd meet again in the next life, Roxas. This is me fulfilling this promise, even though things are different now. Even though things went wrong.


**A reworking of a fairly old one shot I had on DeviantArt. Based off of Illbewaiting's piece 'Things went wrong', written as a first person monologue, which is different to my usual third person writing style, so feedback is much appreciated. **

"_No-one would miss me."_

"_That's not true, I would... __Let's meet again, in the next life."_

"_Yeah, I'll be waiting."_

It was a lie.  
>A comforting lie, one to convince us both, that maybe we'd have a shot at redemption. That we'd see each other again. A tiny spark of hope in the ever-present darkness.<p>

But nonetheless, it was a lie.

And so, never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd _actually _get a next life. After all I'd already screwed up a life as Lea _and_ a life as Axel. I knew you'd get another shot Roxas, you we're so pure and good, there was no way in hell you'd not come back. Even as a nobody, even trapped in a world where deceit and murder were prevalent you still maintained your charm, your purity. You still left to better the world.

But _me?_ The murderous traitor I was, the man who hated his own skin for every crime I'd ever committed? I thought I'd fade away into the darkness and get my just deserves.

But I'm here_. Everyone's_ here. This world is different; there are no dusks, no keyblades, no connections to the other worlds. It's a fresh start; a clean slate. We've all got another chance, but not everyone remembers. Not everyone in this school can hold their memories of the past life, but we can; Sora and I. We're the only ones who remember the pain, and the _years _of fighting and turmoil. The only ones that remember that we can look into a room of people, and know between us both, we've caused the death of almost all its inhabitants, people who are oblivious and now regard us as friends. Perhaps its better this way, better that for the majority, you're untroubled by our dark previous existences. Perhaps not.

We'd sit, Sora and I, and watch as you walk around, untroubled by thoughts of the past, and we'd cringe. It's hard, watching the people you've betrayed, the people you've _killed _lead happy, normal lives. The first time I saw Vexen, I sobbed for hours, guilt clawing at my now beating heart. The heart we'd struggled so hard for. The remorse that came with it. You're popular now, so shy and awkward that you we're as a nobody, how different now.

Yes.

Very different.

Seventeen years I've been alive again now. For the last seventeen years I've been hoping and waiting, searching for you. Praying that, in a cruel twist of fate, I wasn't the only one to come back. And then, on the first day of middle school _everyone _was there; young, free, _happy. _And finally, I saw _you,_ and you didn't even look twice at me.

I may has well had been a nobody again.

Sora had ached too, whilst you _all_ carried on in your new lives, contented in your oblivious little worlds, we remembered. It was when I found Sora staring in horror at Saix, disgust and shock glowing in his eyes, hands trembling over a slack jaw, that I knew he remembered. And when his eyes drifted to me, widened, then relaxed into something vaguely resembling relief and gratification, I knew I wasn't alone. So we'd talked, and Sora and I watched our loved one's from afar. Watched the different lives you lead, the lives we were no longer a part of. Your Twilight Town friends still longue and talked, Kairi and Namine now easy parts of their circle. And Riku, well, you know all about Riku don't you?

Things went wrong.

You and Riku ... together.

You hold his hand proudly in the school corridor, you don't care who see's you, you're completely comfortable with your sexuality. With me, in our darkness soaked pasts you'd sneak off for snatched embraces, lurk in alleys as we made love. If I so much as touched your cheek outside of the mask of the shadows you'd refuse to speak to me. When I first saw you together, saw you with the boy you once _loathed _I couldn't breathe, and when I turned to the only person I _could _turn to, I saw the same pain in his eyes too.

And then, distraction came in the form of Demyx, who'd spent his new life away from any of the former Organization members, and instead lounged with those who'd spent their former lives as residents of Destiny Island. Sora and I began noticing his erratic behaviour, the way he began pacing away from water, wide eyed and troubled, the way his face would contort in something that was a mixture between confusion and fear. Then one day, as Sora and I sat watching you and Riku as you playfully fed each other, Demyx was suddenly beside us, trembling and pale, eyes flickering accusingly between Sora and myself. And it was then, that my pain of not having you, was momentarily replaced with immense guilt, because I knew what he'd say now that he'd remembered. I knew what he'd _feel. _

He'd turned to Sora, and your former somebody had paled, then mumbled "_You killed me." _, before turning his gaze to me and whispering just one word. "_Zexion."_ And so, despite the fact that Demyx's newly reclaimed memories were constant reminders of the fact that we'd caused him so much pain in his past life, he joined Sora and I in our shared pain of our present life. For just as you and Riku were out of our reach, Zexion was out of Demyxs. The young nobody that he'd once known, who he'd coaxed into playing twister and who he'd shared secret, snatched kisses with as they'd played pretend at having hearts, was no longer his. Zexion was free, and he and Demyx had never mixed in their new social circles, just like you and I. Zexion no longer knew Demyx, but Demyx knew him. So as you know, he left soon after his memories, he didn't want to cope with seeing Zexion everyday and not being able to touch him, didn't want to seek comfort in his murderer, and the man who'd organised the murder of his lover. There was no more guilt-induced distraction. Sora and I became more alone than ever.

I sometimes thought, that perhaps you did this on purpose, I've seen you looking at me sometimes, almost as though you're thinking hard, then you'll see Riku and shove your tongue down his throat as far as it can go. It makes me sick.

The powerful feeling of my heart being removed all over again is fading, it's a dull throbbing now, but it won't get any better. It'll always be there, reminding me of the heart. The heart I got back just so I could see _you _again, of how you don't want me. Every _thud-dud_ sparks these feelings, these _regrets._

Then, slowly Sora got over it; you and Riku have been dating a year and a half now. About nine months in I saw that Sora stopped flinching at every touch, he began to heal. He still missed Riku as much as I missed you, but the pain had become bearable, only the thoughts of what _should_have been casting the occasional relapse. He began to turn into the boy he'd been in our past life, happy and fun, he began helping me forget about my pain for blissful moments. Three months ago he told me he loved me and kissed me. He kissed so very different from you Roxas, his lips were soft are gentle, nothing like the hurried, rough exchanges you and I once shared. After he pulled away he smiled, and I adored that smile. After all, that's something you never did, and still, rarely do.

You, Roxas, you're like an anti-Sora. So very similar, yet different. You're like a wild fire, ironic as that is, untameable and likely to get me burnt. Sora is like the warm ocean at night, relaxed, dependable and just the right temperature. I've had my fill of playing with fire.

We've both been left broken, like we've lost half of our hearts, but two halves make a whole, right? We may not be as perfect as we could have been, Sora and I, but we fit together, two broken entities who can patch up each other's wounds.

Then last night you screwed everything up.

"Axel." You're breathless and clutching my shirt as though letting go will kill you, and for a moment my heart stopped beating, my stomach exploded and ever nerve in my body came alive. " I remember... we promised ... we were" You paused and chewed on your lip. " 'best friends' "

You couldn't even say the words 'lovers'. Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I am just not someone to be proud to be with. In both of my latter lives, I've tried so hard to please you. To make you want me, love me, be openly proud of me. Some feats are hopeless.

"I've finished with Riku... we can fulfil our promise, we can be together again."

Here is my explanation as to why when you rushed at me, eyes ablaze with memories, seeking me out because you wanted me again, I pressed my thumb to your cheek, then turned and walked away from you. This Roxas, is to tell you how I feel, how when I saw you ice-blue eyes last night you made me want to do 'us' again. But only for a second. Because then I'd seen Sora's face in my mind, how his eyes are like a clear sky, and not unyielding frost. How he doesn't carry his features with a rigid, hard expression. _How he isn't ashamed to love me. _When Sora sees me, he smiles, you made me feel like I had a heart, now he makes me feel the same.

I am sorry, but things went wrong, Roxas, you didn't want me. Now _I_don't want _you._


End file.
